Car Calamity

Dear Wanker,

Six months ago, nearly to the day someone broke into my place by crowbarring the French patio doors and stealing my new camera. Last night someone crowbarred the moulding on my car window and then smashed the window in. I think it was you. But if it wasn't, no matter, there are wankers of a certain ilk and you are just one of many.

I hope you enjoyed the one CD you got though I really doubt Sarah McLaughlin is your style. Oh and enjoy the empty Cranberries case. Perhaps you can use it to layout your crack or cocaine. You did get my in-car phone charger but I'm guessing you don't have a phone so if you just grease that thing up you can shove it up your ass. It might stop you from spreading your degenerate shit.

And I really hope you enjoy the lime Tictacs. They're only available in the US, you know, so use them to disguise your dog breath laden with ketosis from not enough food. Hell, keep the plastic knife and fork and use them to pretend you're actually having a meal. And since you took the tiny tube of toothpaste, you can brush away that dogbreath afterwards.

I'm sure the wee bag of rock salt came in handy. I don't need it. You've already salted my wounds. I'm sure the tampon will come in handy too. Stick it up your nose when it starts bleeding from too much coke. Or use it to absorb any blood that comes spurting out from your bungled attempt at sticking a needle in your veins.

I'd wish you the karma you deserve for violating my space and my possessions and causing me needless costs that I can ill-afford. I know you don't care and that you've already sold your mother and anyone else near and dear to you. I'd wish you the karma you deserve but I think you're already experiencing it. Instead, I wish you healing and the ability to find some semblance of a life and a meaning for existence besides being a vacuous repository for substances and a canker on society's ass. I wish you will feel regret for what you did and learn to help others.

I wish you healing, but if I run into you I'm going to take that crowbar and shove it up your ass sideways, then feed you the broken bits of glass.