You're So Vain

Vanity. It's usually said in disparaging ways, that a vain person is a bad thing. And is it? The dictionary says it is conceit, or having an excessively high regard for one's self, looks, possessions or ability. Arrogance is related with its overbearing pride or self-importance.

The worst case of vanity and arrogance I ever saw was a boyfriend who believed that every time a woman talked to him, even if she was asking him the time, was because she wanted him. He believed everyone loved him and that he knew things no one else knew, had experienced events that no one else had ever experienced. But he was more arrogant than vain though it's a slim line between the two.

A person who is extremely vain is often a narcissist, stuck in self-love and importance, appearance or abilities. They're more concerned with how they look and what they do, than the world, people or events around them. They're given to talking about themselves a lot. Like the joke goes, "Enough about me. What do you think about me?" And Carly Simon's song (You're so Vain) of course frames it well, "You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself go by..."

I once dated a narcissist. Later, "as friends" we got together for coffee. Jon talked about his job, his family, his dog. He paused and there was silence since I had decided to let him be the first to ask how I was. I'd asked him about himself, his job, etc. but never once did he actually ask me anything about what I was doing, not even "how are you?". After the pause, he talked about his love life, his place, himself. When we left, Jon had not asked me a thing. I could have had kittens and he wouldn't have known. Not a great person to date.

Narcissists may go farther with their self-importance and date people who look like them. I remember a girl in school who once said, "I only read books where the character has the name Laura." Guess what her name was? These are the worst aspects of vanity, self-involvement, where perspective centers only on self, believing one is always the best and that no one can compare.

But not all vanity is bad. The opposite end is humility, yet false humility is another form of vanity, where you extol the virtues of being humble in a way that makes you look better than anyone else for sacrificing so much.

Taking care of your appearance beyond simple grooming is caring about how you look and is a vanity. Does a hairstyle or particular color look better on you? Do you wear wrinkled clothes or items in a dirty or slovenly manner? Do you take pride in your appearance? Do you try to stay in shape, not just to feel better, but to look better?

It is not wrong to feel pride or feel good about how you look. In fact, someone who doesn't care at all may have other emotional problems like low self-esteem or depression. It's the absence of balance that is always the problem. Talk about how you look but then notice how the other person looks. Talk about what you've been doing but give a person fair share in time and show interest. There are people who can't start conversations because they don't know how to ask a question about someone else. They expect everyone to ask about them and they can go on.

Sometimes it isn't so much vanity as the person may lack some social aspects, learning only to talk about what they know, sometimes incessantly. Chatterboxes can put you to sleep because they don't allow anyone to get an word in or interact. They may be narcissist or vain or just inept on the nuances of conversation.

We all have moments when we want the attention on us. It's human nature to want to feel special, to shine at some aspect of our lives. But we have to share the limelight. It's all right to be selfish sometimes and say me first, or it's about me. I've been accused of making things all about me when I tried to stop a friend from physically fighting with another friend who had just slept with someone not his wife. That man accused me of making it all about me when somehow I was trying to help him save his marriage. I said, when we talked afterward, that yes, it was about me in that I was selfish and liked my friends and didn't want to see them broken up and that I wanted them happy. That's my selfishness. I have found sometimes that people will accuse someone of vanity at the weirdest times for completely unrelated things. I'm beginning to realize that this can be a misfired plea for some attention.

So if you say, "Wow, look at this poster." And your friend says, "Oh everything always has to be about you," then maybe what they're saying is, "Me, me, look at me." You may have to say, "What do you think about this poster?" People are weird and vanity tempered with humility is probably the best way to go.

Vanity Searches

I spent a couple of hours this week searching myself out. Why? To fluff up my ego? Hardly likely. A vanity search will often reveal how insignificant we are in terms of the Google world. At least I'm on the first google page but not so much for my published stories as for this blog.

But still, I thought I better find what's listed about me before it all disappears. Should there come a day for me to prove I published something or to apply for a grant, then in some cases this may be the only published proof, such as my online flash fiction "On Wings of Angels" in Vestal Review 7. I found that still up and printed the page since I didn't have a "published" copy, it being only internet published.

It's also, partially, how I found out I had received two honorable mentions for my story "Hold Back the Night," which had appeared in the Red Deer Press Open Space anthology. I'd known I had received an honorable mention in Gardner Dozois' Year's Best SF, but only a few years later did I find out the story had received the same in Datlow and Windling's Year's Best Fantasy and Horror. One story, both SF and Fantasy when there was no SF I know of in it. :) But who's complaining: not me. Still, the vanity search has shown what few reviews of my work are still out there and though none scream that my work is stellar, most don't say it sucks either. And I do have the distinction of Hold Back the Night being the only story in the anthology to receive two honorable mentions, plus having been shortlisted for the Gaylactic Spectrum award (a gay character in speculative fiction), which I only ever found on the net.

But still, I'm a small pea in a large pod and there are a lot of Colleen Andersons, some 80 google pages in fact. There is a songwriter and poet (Mother Wit) who seems to have the most hits, plus another writer with the same name. There's a minister, a scientist, a professor, a real estate agent, a tax assessor, a nurse, etc. Of course I'm some of these things too. But I'm certainly not the only Colleen Anderson and perhaps I'm not the real one. I've run into a couple others in this city alone.

Still, a vanity search can be enlightening in just how many of your posts or even how your address ends up on the internet. I can't help but think of my childhood nemesis Laura Morse who lived two doors down from me. We met at the age of 4 and never liked each other, and had the dubious pleasure of spending grades 1-12 together, going to the same schools. Her younger brother and mine were the best of friends. We were barely playmates. She used to say she would only read books that had her name in them.

Searching for Laura Morse today doesn't turn up her name but then she married and changed her last name. Yet, google might still be useful to her if she has to find books with Laura in them (more by authors though, than characters). One can only hope her horizons have broadened.

And we, that fill one page in 8o, hope that some day there may be many pages, indicating perhaps a rise in pay for being a writer. Of course, one could always do something notorious and then your name would rise on the google listings. In the meantime, I now have printed copies of any reviews, should I decide to try and get a grant for writing speculative fiction. Hmm, I think I'll wait a bit longer.